Online Sports Journalism Audition
January 28th, 2006

I’ll admit, I personally prefer complete sentences, paragraphs, and attempted grammar. But, I thought I would try to write a “column” that is nothing but a long, bulleted list since this approach seems to be working for the so-untalented-he’s-talented Bill Simmons.

Television that ruins an entire day if watched for even one second:

  • Dr. Phil - Relentless shouting. Truisms presented as revelations. “You need to get ahold of your life.”
  • Mad TV - Bizzare, almost sinister, terrible acting. Not funny.
  • Anything about Nostradamus on the History Channel - John Hogue, in being what I will call a metafraud, has achieved something very impressive. He has somehow created a career for himself by sort-of-looking-like another fraud who has been dead for five hundred years.
John Hogue, bearded dimwit
John Hogue, bearded dimwit
  • Anything about the Civil War on the History Channel - Sorry for the lack of variety here, but I just have to mention the guy with the Elmer Fudd accent that is on all of these documentaries. Apparently I am the only person in the world that is bothered by this.
  • The Q-Ray Commercial - If you think you should feel sorry for the people making testimonials, you are wrong. This is a rare intersection of people who deserve to have their money stolen and advertisers who do not deserve to receive money.
  • The 700 Club - Excessive squinting. Miraculously, doesn’t seem to be on DirectTV in New York City.
  • Mind of Mencia - The person who greenlighted this trainwreck should receive the death penalty.
  • The Inaudible Fossilized Nun - I have no idea what the real name of this show is, but everyone knows who I’m talking about.
  • Pirate Radio TV - This is a cable access television show in Ithaca, New York. Typical rants include, “why did they move the CVS out to Route 13? Fuck!” and “Cornell students should count in antlerless deer season.” It is sometimes entertaining to call in to the live broadcast and argue with the host—he flusters easily.
The Pirate Radio TV host
The Pirate Radio host: think comic book guy, but not even unintentionally funny.
  • Fox NFL Pregame - Despite my soft spot for Terry Bradshaw, this has devolved into a retard tickle fight.