ESPN's Sunday Night Football Crew Makes Me Want to Club a Baby Harp Seal to Death
December 26th, 2004
Mike “Not getting back onto a network broadcast this century” Patrick just said, and I quote, “We have got a case of the giggles.” I prefer that my bizarre TV ticklefights involve Terry Bradshaw whenever possible, thank you.
Paul Maguire appears to have stopped bothering to groom his mustache sometime in the mid-70s. This walking soup strainer is usually good for at least nine inane and unnecessary slowmo replays per game, all ending in the word “BAM!!!!” Like John Madden, but dumber and not lovable. Tremendous insight is almost certainly locked away in the parts of his brain not yet invaded by his out-of-control ear hair.
Joe Theismann is plagued by a clinical inability to be critical of even the most despicable of players and personnel. His incessant and bizarre asskissing of Kordell Stewart, Chad Scott, Ray Lewis, aging Deion Sanders, Brian Billick, Mike Martz, and many others over the years was what originally prodded me to start watching this broadcast on mute years ago.
Suzy Kolber is the only bright spot, if that can be said about anyone stuck in the sideline role. I liked her hosting the countdown, the one night they had her subbing for Stewart Scott. If there is justice in the world, she will escape the horrible talent black hole that is the 8:00 ESPN game.
What others are saying:
Maybe [the people watching this broadcast are] perfect for the rah-rah hyperbole and endless Ray Lewis ass-kissing.
No, we’re not the NFL’s unquestioning cheerleaders. We’re just hardcore fans with apparently, enough of a penchant for sadomasochism to want to watch this piece of crap. I like the jab at Ray Lewis though. I still want to know where that dangerous bastard was when Joey Porter was shot. Good points overall.
In the course of a game, [Patrick’s] primary goal is not to describe the action on the field, but to tout the exploits of key, hype-able players.
This sadly seems to be the case. I don’t have proof of a massive hype conspiracy, but I HAVE lost count of how many times the vastly overrated Ray Lewis has been “miked up” (or whatever the hell they’re calling it these days). He’s never produced a single worthwhile sound bite. I take solace in the hope that the electronic equipment is somehow making him sterile.
Did I mention I can’t stand Ray Lewis? I can’t stand Ray Lewis.