Posts Tagged ‘Football’

Jan
28
2006

Online Sports Journalism Audition

I'll admit, I personally prefer complete sentences, paragraphs, and attempted grammar. But, I thought I would try to write a "column" that is nothing but a long, bulleted list since this approach seems to be working for the so-untalented-he's-talented Bill Simmons.

Television that ruins an entire day if watched for even one second:

  • Dr. Phil - Relentless shouting. Truisms presented as revelations. "You need to get ahold of your life."
  • Mad TV - Bizzare, almost sinister, terrible acting. Not funny.
  • Anything about Nostradamus on the History Channel - John Hogue, in being what I will call a metafraud, has achieved something very impressive. He has somehow created a career for himself by sort-of-looking-like another fraud who has been dead for five hundred years.

    John Hogue, Bearded Dimwit
  • Anything about the Civil War on the History Channel - Sorry for the lack of variety here, but I just have to mention the guy with the Elmer Fudd accent that is on all of these documentaries. Apparently I am the only person in the world that is bothered by this.
  • The Q-Ray Commercial - If you think you should feel sorry for the people making testimonials, you are wrong. This is a rare intersection of people who deserve to have their money stolen and advertisers who do not deserve to receive money.
  • The 700 Club - Excessive squinting. Miraculously, doesn't seem to be on DirectTV in New York City.
  • Mind of Mencia - The person who greenlighted this trainwreck should receive the death penalty.
  • The Inaudible Fossilized Nun - I have no idea what the real name of this show is, but everyone knows who I'm talking about.
  • Pirate Radio TV - This is a cable access television show in Ithaca, New York. Typical rants include, "why did they move the CVS out to Route 13? Fuck!" and "Cornell students should count in antlerless deer season." It is sometimes entertaining to call in to the live broadcast and argue with the host–he flusters easily.

    The Pirate Radio host: think comic book guy, but not even unintentionally funny.
  • Fox NFL Pregame - Despite my soft spot for Terry Bradshaw, this has devolved into a retard tickle fight.

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Posted in Eccentric | 2 Comments »

Jan
21
2006

The Curse of Siragusa

Tony Siragusa is the nuclear option in Fox Sports' ongoing war against dramatic pause.

Tony Siragusa

Every Sunday he roves the sidelines ensuring that even the slightest moment of dead air is filled with sense-dulling stupidity. "I love coming to Cleveland because they've got the best nacho cheese in the league here. Ok, back to you guys." Last week, he told viewers that Redskins quarterback Mark Brunell had been practicing all week with wet balls to prepare for the depressing perpetual downpour in Seattle. Not content to leave it at that, he then demonstrated the act of submerging a football in a bucket of water.

If Scooter the Talking Baseball wasn't evidence enough, it should now be obvious that Fox's interest is machiavellian masochism rather than the enjoyment of genuine fans. They know that you will watch, and they want to make it hurt as much as possible. It is therefore left to us to take action, get involved, and improve the quality of our football experience. Here are some thoughts I had, which I urge you to try the next time Siragusa visits your NFL city. Bear in mind that these may require felonious access to the playing surface.

  • "Steal his nose," refuse to give it back. Let Siragusa chase you for three hours.
  • With several accomplices, distract Siragusa with a system of flashing mirrors. (Unlikely to work in winter.)
  • Stage a sham rib cookoff near the stadium prior to kickoff; lace Tony's racks with Lunesta.

Ok, back to you guys.

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Jan
09
2006

Cry me a River, Stupid Ohio

For a decade and a half, I was aware of exactly two Bengals fans.

  • ESPN personality and all-around good guy Dan Patrick.
  • A very irate patron of St. Mark's Ale House in New York City. This guy had positioned himself in a wooden chair in the center of a crowded bar, so that he could see the Arizona, Cincinatti, and Detroit games simultaneously. Anytime anyone attempted to change the station on any of the three televisions, he threw a holy fit. He was wearing an Ickey Woods jersey, and eventually wound up getting in a fistfight before being carried out. (Clearly out of his mind. Screw you buddy, if you happen to get here by Googling "batshit insane Bengals fan.")

Over the last few months, thousands have come out of the woodwork. The fact that your team is a disgrace is no reason to hide. I have known many Lions, Bears, and Browns fans through their respective lean years. In an odd way, I am able to respect the pluck of Browns fans. They may not have many things going for them–brains, literacy, or motor skills, to name a few–but they come out and cheer for their stupid team. This was not so for Bengals fans.

You deserve every embarrasing moment of what happened to you, so shut up.

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Posted in Sports | 2 Comments »

Nov
20
2005

Hammer Hank Goldberg

If 8:50 on Monday night—the "JACKED UP" NFL Primetime segment—is the best five minutes of television all week, then I think there are really only two contenders for the worst.

  • That sycophant Michael Irvin's weekly fawning human interest story on NFL Countdown.
  • "Hammerin" Hank Goldberg's picks against the spread at the end of the 10:30 Sportscenter.

I'm going to discount the ESPN Sunday Night game in its entirety. It is more like slow, drawn out water torture than a sudden and effective "stupid stick beating." I don't want to defend Michael "I talked to T.O. and he said…" Irvin in any way, but I think Goldberg is much worse. In the words of Paul Maguire, "I'm a tell you what."

I'm not a gambler, but I know this: it is not a skill to pick games at .500 against the spread. You are supposed to be able to do that. Hence the spread. Although Hank is usually below the .500 mark, it is not by a statistically significant margin. In other words, you could not short his picks and make money, either.

Add to this annoyance his penchant for citing ridiculous, obscure statistics as excuses for his abysmal performance.

I would have done a lot better last week if I had remembered that Arizona was only winning 25% of the time after two wins on the road against east coast teams, or that Chicago has won their last two when the wind was southeasterly and above 20 miles per hour.

I made that quote up. Watch his segment next week and see if you can tell the difference. I am completely unable to explain why this human paraquat is allowed to return year after year.

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Jan
03
2005

Playoffs

Article by Len Pasquarelli.

I found this really interesting.

…statistically at least, the AFC bracket is the best since the league adopted the current 12-team format in 1990. The six AFC qualifiers have a combined 73 victories… The 59 aggregate wins by the NFC entries represent the fewest ever in the 12-team format.

So we're at the point of greatest disparity between the two leagues since 1990. The AFC averages more than 12 wins each for teams in the playoffs, the NFC less than 10 wins. Here's what I take out of the disparity and the utterly horrible NFC:

  • Any suggestion of expanding the playoffs to 14 teams (like this one last offseason) should be shouted / laughed down immediately. 7-9 getting in would be a complete disaster for the quality of the game, and if the NFC had lost a few more games against the AFC a 6-10 team might not even be an impossibility under that system. This is not the NHL. The regular season is actually important in this league and I want it to stay that way.
  • No more expansion. Not for a long time. The fact that one entire conference can get so far behind another in the “era of free agency“ should tell you that there isn't enough talent to go around.
  • Everybody seems to be able to get a handful of stars through free agency. Well, almost everybody. The 49ers, for instance, are definitely hurting at the moment. But in a season this long, scouting and drafting quality backups is HUGE.

Despite all this, the system is as close to perfect as I can imagine it being. I expect a lot of NFC teams to bounce back next year. Last place teams have mobility, but multiple-championship teams are still definitely possible. The regular season is always hot right up to the last week. Hopefully ownership can recognize this and avoid making horrendous mistakes in favor of a quick buck.

I'll avoid promoting any theories about the philosophical differences between AFC and NFC cities, or anything like that, because I don't really have anything with which to back that up. But I will say I think there's a lot to be said for letting coaches coach with minimal interference and riding out a few rough years without panicking. This season has given me even more appreciation for the Rooneys.

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Dec
26
2004

ESPN’s Sunday Night Football crew makes me want to club a baby harp seal to death.

Mike “Not getting back onto a network broadcast this century” Patrick just said, and I quote, “We have got a case of the giggles.” I prefer that my bizarre TV ticklefights involve Terry Bradshaw whenever possible, thank you.

Paul Maguire appears to have stopped bothering to groom his mustache sometime in the mid-70s. This walking soup strainer is usually good for at least nine inane and unnecessary slowmo replays per game, all ending in the word “BAM!!!!” Like John Madden, but dumber and not lovable. Tremendous insight is almost certainly locked away in the parts of his brain not yet invaded by his out-of-control ear hair.

Joe Theismann is plagued by a clinical inability to be critical of even the most despicable of players and personnel. His incessant and bizarre asskissing of Kordell Stewart, Chad Scott, Ray Lewis, aging Deion Sanders, Brian Billick, Mike Martz, and many others over the years was what originally prodded me to start watching this broadcast on mute years ago.

Suzy Kolber is the only bright spot, if that can be said about anyone stuck in the sideline role. I liked her hosting the countdown, the one night they had her subbing for Stewart Scott. If there is justice in the world, she will escape the horrible talent black hole that is the 8:00 ESPN game.

What others are saying:

ESPN’s Sunday Night Football Crew Worse than ‘Gigli’

Maybe [the people watching this broadcast are] perfect for the rah-rah hyperbole and endless Ray Lewis ass-kissing.

No, we’re not the NFL’s unquestioning cheerleaders. We’re just hardcore fans with apparently, enough of a penchant for sadomasochism to want to watch this piece of crap. I like the jab at Ray Lewis though. I still want to know where that dangerous bastard was when Joey Porter was shot. Good points overall.

ESPN Sunday Night Football announcers: you’re idiots

In the course of a game, [Patrick’s] primary goal is not to describe the action on the field, but to tout the exploits of key, hype-able players.

This sadly seems to be the case. I don’t have proof of a massive hype conspiracy, but I HAVE lost count of how many times the vastly overrated Ray Lewis has been “miked up” (or whatever the hell they’re calling it these days). He’s never produced a single worthwhile sound bite. I take solace in the hope that the electronic equipment is somehow making him sterile.

Did I mention I can’t stand Ray Lewis? I can’t stand Ray Lewis.

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Posted in Sports | 3 Comments »

Nov
05
2004

Statistics (or as we said in Pennsylvania, Suh-tistics)

Those of you watching the NFL coverage over the weekend may have heard the normally brilliant Chris Berman repeating some gibberish about the Redskins predicting the outcome of the presidential election with astounding accuracy. You can read more about this now-defunct nugget of trivia at Snopes.

Chris, I ask you to please consider the following facts before repeating such nonsense in the future:

  1. In most election years, the outcome of the race can be predicted with better than 50% accuracy (ie, better than a coin flip). In really close years like this one, it’s never worse than 50/50, Ross Perot notwithstanding.
  2. The Redskins, or any other sports team winning any particular game over long stretches is probably around 50% too. Other predictors, like the Nickelodeon mock election, have a better chance since they’re actually trying to be predictors.
  3. There are at least 500 bazillion things you could point to as predictors of the outcome, depending on how far you want to stretch.

Given those odds, it would be really freaking amazing if a few of those predictors did not predict the outcome for long stretches of time. I tried, in a very passionate yet fruitless attempt, to explain this to my boss. “No raise for this guy,” is what I’m sure he was thinking.

One other stat I’d like to point out is the odds that nobody will listen to me and repeat another inane predictor in 2008. I think that this may be infinitesmially close to 100%.

As for me, I voted for Roethlisberger.

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Posted in Sports | 1 Comment »