Archive for the ‘Eccentric’ Category

Programming Must Be An Open System

I decided I needed an hour break from Scala hacking, and I am about halfway finished with Sean Carroll's From Eternity to Here, which goes on at great length about entropy as it relates to time's arrow. So for the fun of it I whipped up a simulation of an Ehrenfest Urn using Processing.js.

Check it out here (requires a browser supporting canvas).

Now that I'm done, there are a couple of things I find amazing about this.

  • I felt like I needed a break from being paid to write Scala. As opposed to, like, Visual Basic, Java, C++, or something like that.
  • Within an hour I was able to download processing, learn the basics, and hack this animated demo together. And put it on a web page, viewable by pretty much anybody that I care to reach. Back in the early aughts I probably spent fifty or sixty hours just trying to figure out how to step debug javascript.

From eternity to here apparently involves a massive improvement in the state of the programming art. Everything is amazing and nobody's happy.

Etsy Haikus

Inspired by Peter Norvig, I have created a quick hack to generate haikus from Etsy listing titles. Check it out here.

Technical details for those who are interested:

  • The listings are downloaded from the Etsy API by an offline process, and stuffed into a MongoDB database if their titles are either five or seven syllables.
  • The CMU Pronunciation Dictionary handles the syllable wrangling.
  • The frontend is a very simple Django application.

All in all, about three or four hours of effort. Note that Etsy has nothing to do with these haikus, and doesn’t endorse this app.

Re: my supergod blogging ability

Occasionally, I write things for Etsy's news blog thingamajig, the Storque. If this site isn't enough excitement for you, you can see what I am doing over there by following this link. End communication.

Rule of Thumb

So here's my method for determining whether or not a particular platform is worthwhile.

I ask myself, "how would David Letterman summarize this?" I know this doesn't seem very scientific, but it's a mask I have years of experience wearing. Trust me on this one.

When the curtain is raised to reveal a total square dancing around with a sign that says, "it's simply XML!" I ask myself, "is this anything?" Then I reflect for a second or two and decide, dismissively, that no. This is nothing.

Lakin Wecker has an alternative approach that involves thinking carefully and considering the lessons of history. I will re-evalutate my approach if our results ever differ significantly.

Perhaps this is a sign of some kind

If I believed in that sort of thing, I would guess that it said "leave Alphabet City immediately."

A pigeon sitting on my toilet.

The explanation:

Note left explaining why there was a pigeon on my toilet

The aftermath:

tabo: is that the erlang book?
dan: yes it is
dan: good eye
dan: it has pigeon shit on it now

The Portable Atheist (that yellow book) and a few of my pint glasses appear to have also offended some vengeful, jealous god of pigeons.

Reverse Job Advertisement

I figured this was worth a shot.

I am:

  • Someone that has been hacking since childhood.
  • Someone that has spent most of his Saturday doing problems in a Haskell textbook for fun.
  • Someone that thinks programming is very similar to art, if one is sufficiently good at it.
  • Compelled by forces beyond my control to refactor code until it is elegant.
  • Equally comfortable debugging disassembly, arguing with you about math, and frantically scribbling on your whiteboard.
  • Able to debug your problem. Trust me.

You are:

  • An early stage startup led by software people.
  • Located in Manhattan or Brooklyn, or your idea is so incredibly exciting that I am willing to relocate to participate in it.
  • Not using Java, Visual Basic, or other such variants of COBOL.
  • Able to pay me, so that I can continue to pay my rent and avoid subsisting on boiled newspaper. This either means that you are funded, or you have a very clear idea of how you are going to make money.
  • Not an egomaniac.

If you think that you fit this description, please contact me at mcfunley at (google's mail service).

The reports of my madness may not be so exaggerated

Sometimes I think my quest to get my functional programming skills up to snuff is turning me into a raving lunatic. I keep writing code that inflicts physical pain when kept to myself. Here's a fresh cut and paste out of my emacs:

  applyAll [] = id
  applyAll fs = foldl1 (.) fs

After writing that, I immediately opened up all of my instant messenger programs in search of an imperative programmer to accost. "Don't you see? Don't you see how beautiful this is?" I would say. They almost never see.

A Minor Victory for Secularism in Lower Manhattan

I'm sure there are those who will find irony in this post's title, but sometimes we have to fight our battles where we find them. Roughly a month ago, I found this statue assaulting my aesthetic faculties at the corner of Water Street and Old Slip.

Joseph Smith, the founder of Mormonism. Somehow, this monstrosity cost $300,000.

Joseph Smith (of "Latter Day Saint" fame) has a loose historical affiliation with what is now the Financial District, or so I am told. And that much is fine. Despite my overwhelming distaste for the sculpture, I wouldn't be one to complain if it were merely there to point out that "Joe slept here." Fair enough.

Unfortunately, the display really went for the evangelical gusto. There is of course the bravado with which it was erected:

Bless those who come upon this monument, who do not yet know Joseph, with a desire to learn more concerning Thee and Thy Gospel restored through him. May this statue serve in spreading the message of Thy Gospel to growing numbers of local inhabitants and to visitors to this great city. [source]

Which, sickly as it may be, is perhaps not yet in violation of any laws. The inscription on the statue, however, does cross the line. This is the message I sent to the director of the parks department.

I had all but given up on this crusade (pardon the term) when I received a letter dated February the tenth tonight. I'll not reproduce all of it, since I don't want to expose the poor Parks worker to any undeserved criticism and because he expends several paragraphs nonsensically flailing straw men who apparently want to ban sectarian weddings in public parks. This is the important bit:

To that, I sent this in reply.

An outstanding and unexpected turn of events.

Choose Your Constants Carefully

You never know what will become an API.

DarrelHerbst: did you make the annotated stock chart left link have linkId=666 on purpose?
McFunley: yes
DarrelHerbst: it looks really cool in this document i'm writing

Online Sports Journalism Audition

I'll admit, I personally prefer complete sentences, paragraphs, and attempted grammar. But, I thought I would try to write a "column" that is nothing but a long, bulleted list since this approach seems to be working for the so-untalented-he's-talented Bill Simmons.

Television that ruins an entire day if watched for even one second:

  • Dr. Phil - Relentless shouting. Truisms presented as revelations. "You need to get ahold of your life."
  • Mad TV - Bizzare, almost sinister, terrible acting. Not funny.
  • Anything about Nostradamus on the History Channel - John Hogue, in being what I will call a metafraud, has achieved something very impressive. He has somehow created a career for himself by sort-of-looking-like another fraud who has been dead for five hundred years.

    John Hogue, Bearded Dimwit
  • Anything about the Civil War on the History Channel - Sorry for the lack of variety here, but I just have to mention the guy with the Elmer Fudd accent that is on all of these documentaries. Apparently I am the only person in the world that is bothered by this.
  • The Q-Ray Commercial - If you think you should feel sorry for the people making testimonials, you are wrong. This is a rare intersection of people who deserve to have their money stolen and advertisers who do not deserve to receive money.
  • The 700 Club - Excessive squinting. Miraculously, doesn't seem to be on DirectTV in New York City.
  • Mind of Mencia - The person who greenlighted this trainwreck should receive the death penalty.
  • The Inaudible Fossilized Nun - I have no idea what the real name of this show is, but everyone knows who I'm talking about.
  • Pirate Radio TV - This is a cable access television show in Ithaca, New York. Typical rants include, "why did they move the CVS out to Route 13? Fuck!" and "Cornell students should count in antlerless deer season." It is sometimes entertaining to call in to the live broadcast and argue with the host–he flusters easily.

    The Pirate Radio host: think comic book guy, but not even unintentionally funny.
  • Fox NFL Pregame - Despite my soft spot for Terry Bradshaw, this has devolved into a retard tickle fight.